New house and hair dilemma revisited

Here's our new house as of 4 PM today. We'll be out of our rental by June 15. There is more than enough room for guests!! If you're in the Denver area, please come see us. Cheap rates...good friends & family, good conversation...that's all you'll owe.

I took my hair down to a zero. The #2 was poking me and quite uncomfortable. And it's coming out all over. Clogging up the tub drain, falling all over my neck and clothes. Nathan told me this morning, "Oh weird, you have an island on your head." Falling out in clumps, remember? It does look sort of like an island. I went on-line today to see if I could speed up the hair loss. The only thing I found was info on trying to stop the hair loss. All the angst over losing your hair--hair loss should be the least of anyone's worries. And then there's the wigs. I think that a man designed them because the inside is made out of the most scratchy material. In fact, panty hose might actually be more comfortable. Anyway, I hope that once my hair is gone, the wigs will be a bit more comfortable. Or I'll get some sort of cap to wear under them.

That's about it--anything else you'd like to know?

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you Moms out there! We went to an Italian buffet. Juli, Brian, Hailey, River, Carol, my Mom, Pop-pop and the four of us were at a long table. And we were not the only large party there. It was perfect. And fun to be with everyone. Here's today's picture:

This one is from the Sunday after my first treatment, pre-buzz.

Thanks for all the movie suggestions. I bought Big Fish and a 4-pack of Alfred Hitchcock movies. I also added some movies to the queue. Not sure what I'll take on Thursday.

I'm going to cash in all those hugs you're sending.

God-sightings--I think the conqueror thing was a God-sighting. And I actually dreamed about the "sassy" wig before I saw it. Not my word, but the shop owner's. It's a short hair style. Picture to come later. All these dreams about my hair. Funny.

The last couple of nights I've slept well. Thanks for the prayers! Love, Nancy

The hair dilemma

It wasn't exactly a dilemma. Yet after getting the reddish-brown wig trimmed on Tuesday, it still wasn't right. I'd put it on and take it off. Put it on and couldn't decide why I didn't like it. Finally, I decided there was just too much hair on the top, it was too poofy. I decided to try a different wig shop than the first one I went to. The first one was in the Cherry Creek shopping district. It was like being on Newbury Street in Boston or on Rodeo Drive. Quite elite, lots of perfectly starched white shirts with ties and girls in high heels in perfect clothes. Nothing against looking nice. I just wasn't feeling so good about the prospect of loosing my hair or starting chemotherapy. I went the day before I started the chemo. I tried on a couple wigs and the girls were nice enough. But at $200 or $300 for a wig (or more), I couldn't commit. Yesterday's trip was better. Mom and I went to a place where the owner was cancer-free for 15 years. I found the right place. She also said she was more than a survivor, she was a conqueror. That's the same word I've chosen. A conqueror. Although I've been surprised when someone says something about my "battle with cancer" or or my "fight with cancer." I don't feel like it's a battle or a fight. Yet in choosing "conqueror," I'm also choosing "battle" and "fight." I digress. I found success at this new shop. She even fixed my first wig. I don't know how much I'll wear a wig but I have the choice now.

My hair is starting to go. It's not falling out but I can pull it right out. Like a dozen little hairs at one time. It doesn't feel like anything. I'm so glad I cut it last week. I think pulling out a dozen long strands would be too much. OK, so pulling out little hairs is weird too. This morning, my scalp felt like I had a pony tail in too tight and had just taken the elastic out. You girls know how that feels.

How am I feeling? Sort of how it was after the babies were born. I'll be doing something and all of a sudden it's time to quit and rest. I do seem to bounce back faster now. Sleeping is still an issue. I get about halfway through the night and wake up. I can't bring myself to take the very expensive sleeping pills. Oh I have them. There's also the problem of the side effects-the sleep-eating, sleep-cooking and sleep-driving. When I mentioned those, the doc said that those are rare side-effects. We'll see.

The haircut

So Friday came and my friend, Laurie cut my hair. I had a moment or two of angst. I've had my hair a long time. And without it, it's a little more evident that something medical is going on. We scissor cut it first. Buzzing it felt kind of nice. When Jay got home, Aaron said, "Look at Mom, she has a boy haircut!" He seems to be catching on a little more. After the first surgery, he asked, "Mom are you done going to the doctor?" We told him no of course. As he hears words on TV (Tony Snow & Elizabeth Edwards in the news), he'll say, "Mom you have chemotherapy." Or "You have cancer." He also said one day during homework, "I could write 'My mom has cancer' but I don't want to write that sentence.

Did you see Ted Koppel's show on Discovery, Living With Cancer? It was enlightening. Try to catch it. They'll be airing it again. Here's a link: http://health.discovery.com/centers/cancer/cancer-collage/cancer-collage.html I haven't seen the collage because it's just a little too close for me to look at them now. But it reminded me that I've had this feeling of being BREAST CANCER who's name is nancy. I am still Nancy who happens to have a crappy disease that is quite curable for me. Again-no cancer in my lymph nodes is huge.

Back to the hair. Sleeping was different. Saturday morning, I decided I wasn't leaving the house at all. Do I really need to go anywhere, ever? By the afternoon, we decided to go get some pizza and go to the store. It wasn't so bad. But some people stare. Some ignore me pointedly. It's like, don't think of pink elephants but that's all you can think of. Every man thinks, "That could be my wife-sister-mom" and every woman thinks, "That could be me." Ted Koppel put it so well, "Life is terminal. We will all die some day." Another truth is that we all have something that we need to deal with, this cancer is my something.

Are you trying to picture me with a boy haircut? I'm working on some pictures. Just stay tuned...

Thursday; May 3

To answer the question: How does chemotherapy know to go after the cancer cells? I pulled this from the Rocky Mountain Cancer Center's site: Chemotherapy, the treatment of cancer with special drugs, is used to keep cancer from spreading, to slow a cancer's growth and to relieve the symptoms that are caused by cancer. Chemotherapy drugs are designed to destroy or change cancer cells to bring the disease under control. Each drug affects cancer cells in a different way. Some drugs actually break down parts of the cells, some disrupt the cell's growth cycle at particular stages and others deplete "food" needed by the cancer cells. Chemotherapy drugs affect both normal and cancerous cells. Although both types of cells are damaged, normal cells have a greater ability to repair this damage and to continue living than do the cancerous cells. For more info: http://www.coloradocancercenters.com/

My new hair came yesterday. The old hair goes tomorrow. I just can't wait around for it to fall out in clumps. I decided to go a bit on the red side, reddish brown. It's nice not to see all those gray hairs that stick straight up... And it really looks like my cut. Although with all this wind here, I may be the woman running after a small furry thing!

Again, I don't mind if you call, but I may not be able to get back to you soon. I will do my best. And if you can't wait, call again. You're not going to bother me. It's just that all the rules have changed.

One year in Denver for Jay

Jay's been at his job for a year! The boys and I came at the end of June last year. A year. Lots going on in a year...

Happy May Day!

I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel or exactly what I'm supposed to feel. I've been sleeping better. One med that I've got for nausea also cuts anxiety. Thus sleep. Yesterday was long. I didn't feel so good. I don't think I took a deep breath until I went to bed. My breathing muscles ached because I was clenching them all day. I went to lunch with my newcomer's group today. I felt good so I went. It was nice to be outside and seeing friends.

What do you want to know? I have a huge bruise on my arm where the port went in. It's my favorite shade of purple. I didn't take anything for nausea today. And I could still eat. Is this the stuff you want to know?

Nate is in the climbing club. His school has a climbing wall in their gym. He's doing well in school. We're still hopeful that he'll get into the magnet school that Aaron got into for next year. They will look at the roster in June and again in August so he may be chosen. Another God sighting--the school that Nate will go to at our new house was on an all-year round schedule. I was wondering how I could balance two kids with two totally different schedules. It turns out that both boys will be on the exact same schedule. The new school has switched to a traditional schedule like the magnet school.

Thanks for the movie suggestions. No thanks for the tattoo suggestions. Funny, all of you. Lots of love, nancy